Stupidity In A Red Robe
by Steel Komodo
Summary: This is why you should never discuss girlfriends around Ermac - he gets easily confused. Oneshot with Various pairings, T for sexual themes, slight AU. I OWN NOTHING!


**And now for something completely different: A funny Mortal Kombat fanfic! This was inspired by a random conversation I had with my friends once, so expect randomness along the way!**

**I don't own Mortal Kombat, O.K?**

**Theme:** Awkwardness/Gossip

**Pairings:** Sub-Zero/Sareena, Rain/Frost, Cyrax/Sonya, Kung Lao/Jade, poss. Jade/Ermac, Cage/?

**Summary:** "We cannot understand what baseball has to do with romance."

* * *

It was a particularly hot summer's day in the outskirts of the main Earthrealm city. No-one knew exactly what the former metropolis was called, but the most common moniker for it was Midway, which was also the name of one of the subway train's many stops. This was due to the fact that the city was directly in the middle of Earthrealm itself, and acted as a sort of calm, resting place for weary travellers moving from one place to the next for some important purpose or other.

It was serving its function well now. Outside a local fast food restaurant, four figures sat around some wooden benches, indulging in a takeaway meal that they had just purchased. By a table on his own, sat Sub-Zero, the Grandmaster of the Lin Kuei mountain clan, dressed in his familiar blue fighting robe. In the cold region of Arctika, that robe would have offered him comfort from the cold winds and torrents of sleet, but in the boiling hot city atmosphere they now gave him nothing more than discomfort, and as he sipped at his milkshake, beads of sweat ran down his forehead.

On the other table sat three other figures. Rain, looking distinctly more comfortable in a form-fitting purple outfit, greedily ate from the cartons of fries, stuffing them eagerly into his mouth like a child. Next to him, glaring disapprovingly was the robotic Cyrax of the Special Forces, currently off duty for the summer and making the most of it. Opposite from him, the warrior monk Kung Lao tucked into a burger, oblivious to Rain's mad eating frenzy. The traitor prince of Edenia normally wouldn't been seen dead mingling with the other three figures, but his master, Shao Kahn, had ordered him out of the royal court for the week, and there had been nothing else to do apart from this.

As the sun continued to blaze overhead, the restaurant doors swung open and a fifth figure emerged, carrying a tray laden with other foodstuffs. This one was dressed in a baggy red robe, hands covered by black gloves and face hidden by a swathe of dark bandages, which only let his green eyes shine through the slits. This was Ermac, a creation of black magic that had fused a collection of dead souls into this one being, who lived and breathed like a human but had few of the correct mannerisms right due to his collective nature.

Ermac approached the tables where the others sat, and Rain looked up at him from his feast.

"Yrr turk ageff," he spluttered through fries.

"It is not our fault the queue was a mile long," Ermac shot back as he set his tray down next to the perspiring Sub-Zero. He glared. "And please refrain from talking with your mouth full."

Rain swallowed. "I'm not in Edenia now," he reminded the enigmatic figure.

"That's no excuse," growled the metallic tones of Cyrax, but he kept it to himself. Truth be told, he would rather take up a job cleaning out Shao Kahn's stables than talk to Rain, but fate has a cruel sense of humour.

Ermac sat down at the table and took a fried strip of chicken from the card box on his tray. As if on command, the bandages around his face shifted and moved aside, and the others respectfully looked away – no-one cared to know exactly what lay underneath the warrior's mask. There was a crunch as Ermac heartily devoured the strip with whatever served as a mouth.

"So, tell us," Ermac droned. "What has been happening, recently?"

Suddenly, Rain broke out into a huge grin. "Quite a lot, really," he chuckled.

Sub-Zero sat up, glaring, as if he had been caught stealing sugar. "What's so funny?"

Rain almost fell to the floor laughing. "Sub- *gasp* -Zero h-has a g-g-girl-f-friend!"

"I do not!"

Ermac quizzically raised one eyebrow. "Really? Who, exactly?"

Sub-Zero opened his mouth to say something along the lines of "no-one," but Rain, who was barely holding onto the strings of his composure now, managed to gasp out his response before the Lin Kuei warrior could speak. "Sareena!"

Cyrax suddenly sat up, very much interested – the cyborg loved gossip of any kind. Kung Lao choked on his burger in shock – he knew exactly who this "Sareena" was, although he was not at liberty to say how he knew. Ermac glanced at Sub-Zero, who was now turning bright pink and glancing nervously at everyone else, albeit with a scowl of indignation.

"A demoness? You never told us this," the spectre observed, unable to hide the amusement in his voice.

"That is because it's lies!" Sub-Zero protested, angrily. "All lies!"

"Really?" Rain elbowed him playfully in the ribs. "Who caught you two making out in the wardrobe, then, eh?"

Cyrax burst out laughing.

"You're a fine one to talk," said Kung Lao severely, putting down his burger as tomato sauce dripped onto the table. "Last I heard, _you_ were dating Frost."

"Shut up!" snapped Rain. But it was already too late – a blush the same colour as his clothes was spreading on his face, and the sight caused Cyrax to start laughing even more.

Sub-Zero goggled. "My former apprentice?"

Rain sank down in his chair, doom approaching him from all sides. "Not my fault she's cute," he mumbled.

Sub-Zero shook his head. "No, I'm just surprised she hasn't killed you yet! She's as nutty as a fruit bat after that incident with the medallion, and everywhere she goes, she's trying to hack invisible me's into pieces!"

"Oh." For the moment, Rain was silent. Then he spoke again, "She hasn't tried, yet."

"Tried what?"

"Killing me."

"Lucky you."

Another awkward silence. Then Cyrax spoke, suddenly.

"Kung Lao, you appear to have something crawling up your neck," he offered. Everyone else turned to look at the monk, and sure enough, there was a dark red mark sitting proudly at the juncture between Kung Lao's neck and right shoulder. Oddly enough, it _did_ kind of look like some sort of spider was trying to climb up him like a mountain and stick a flag in his head, but everyone present suddenly realised exactly what it was – a by-product of spending the night with a girlfriend.

Rain's eyes widened in shock. "Dude… is that a-?"

Kung Lao rolled his eyes at the prince's childish behaviour. "Typical," he sighed. "I decide to spend the week at Jade's place and all of a sudden it's the next best thing you've ever heard of."

"Yeah," Sub-Zero put in, sourly. "It's only another hickey."

Rain promptly fell off the bench at this, almost taking his burger and fries with him, much to the shock of Ermac. Cyrax, however, found the entire thing hilarious, and the yellow cyborg had to restrain more laughter as the purple-clad ninja crawled back onto his seat, breathing heavily.

"You mean there have been _others?!_" he hollered.

"Oh, please," Sub-Zero sighed. "It's no big deal. If Jade wants to give him love bites the size of California, then that's fine. It's not like he's hiding nuclear missiles in there." At that remark, Kung Lao gingerly ran a hand over the hickey, trying to feel any indication of destructive warheads poking up beneath the skin.

"Aw, man, Frost and I haven't even tried that yet," Rain moaned, clearly not in the mood to discuss the monk's private life with the Edenian warrior princess.

"Well, maybe she thinks you're too much of a jerk for that," Cyrax snapped suddenly – he was getting fed up with the traitor prince allowing his crotch free reign over his head.

Rain glared. "You don't know what I'm on about," he snarled. "You haven't even got a girlfriend!"

"And just because you _have_," Kung Lao retorted hotly, "I suppose you think its okay to- what's up, Cyrax?"

He had suddenly changed the topic because he had noticed that Cyrax, upon Rain's sharp comment, had suddenly grown shifty and tense, trying to edge away from everyone else. His head hung down, like a dog that had just been reprimanded for eating the Christmas turkey.

"…something in my eye," he tried, lamely. It didn't work: everyone that knew Cyrax also knew him to be the worst liar in the entire universe. Maybe it was that he lacked the tone of voice for lying, or maybe that being converted into a Lin Kuei cyborg took some of the human… _finesse_ out of a person, but whatever the reason, Cyrax had all the mastery of deception possessed of the common woodlouse.

Rain instantly knew that his snide comment had hit a raw nerve somewhere. "What, you mean…?"

"Sore subject," Cyrax droned. He avoided looking at his friends, and seemed to be blushing underneath his helmet.

"Oh, dear," Ermac sighed. He knew just where this was going.

Rain, suddenly _very_ intrigued, leant over, his veil hiding a huge grin. "Alright, own up. Who is she?"

"Leave off, Rain," Sub-Zero snapped, but it did no good: the prince was already elbowing the cyborg playfully in the ribs, like a child who is trying to winkle a secret from his reluctant best friend.

"Well? Who is it?" he repeated.

Cyrax covered his face with both hands. "Sonya Blade," he whimpered.

…

…

Sub-Zero, who had been taking another sip of his milkshake at the time, promptly spat his mouthful out in shock. Kung Lao's jaw dropped. Ermac blinked, unable to register what had just been said. Rain's grin began to turn somewhat maniacal and triumphant.

"I knew it!" he crowed. "I knew something was up!"

"I-it's been… going on for a while…" Cyrax muttered, clearly mortified with the revelation of his most embarrassing secret. "Movies… romantic lunches… that sort of thing."

"How do you eat said lunches, anyway?" enquired Sub-Zero.

"I have a face under this!" Cyrax tapped the side of his helmet impatiently.

"But I though Sonya was going out with Jax Briggs," said Kung Lao, who was trying to divide his attention between the conversation and Rain doing a badly improvised, very amusing victory dance.

Cyrax looked nervous again. "Yeah, about that… One time, we had Johnny Cage over for some drinks. Jax drank one too many and he made some comment on her top..." He glanced at Rain, who had ceased dancing and was now listening to the story with great interest. "Next thing I knew, a hammer was being liberally applied to between his legs."

There was a general chorus of pained hisses and "ooh" from the assembled friends.

There was also an impromptu flash of light that burst out into the afternoon air a metre away from them, causing everyone to jump up a foot and shield their eyes. As it shone brightly into their faces, a figure suddenly dropped from the centre of that light and hit the floor, letting of an indignant expletive as he did so. The light dissipated, revealing the sphere-studded form of Mokap, who sat on the sidewalk in his familiar suit that he wore for his job as a motion capture artist in movies. No-one exactly knew where Mokap came from, or why he turned up in the first place, but he wasn't exactly ecstatic about it either.

"Aw, crap" he groaned as he picked himself up. "It's happened again, hasn't it?"

As one, all the five nodded.

"As if I didn't have enough to worry about already!" Mokap wailed. "Now the new Godzilla movie's gonna have to wait another month!"

Ignoring Rain's quizzical look, Kung Lao fished a few spare five-dollar notes from his shirt and handed them to Mokap. "Cage's place is down the road from here," he offered, helpfully.

"Thanks, man." Mokap took the notes, and then strolled away down the street, trying to look like he was going to work. Kung Lao shook his head and turned back to the others.

"So, what about you, Ermac?" he enquired. "Any gossip to tell us?"

"Well," mused Ermac, with a slight tone of reflection in his voice, "we DO know we are not interested in any female in any of the realms."

"What about men?" said Rain, all too quickly. For answer, Ermac threw a spare packet of ketchup, which hit the unfortunate prince upon the head.

"Kenshi has never spoken to us on the subject," the spirit warrior continued, "and we do not believe it an appropriate subject to use around him." By Kenshi, Ermac was referring to the blind swordsman who had, long ago, freed him from servitude under Shao Kahn, and travelled with him at times in search of good deeds to perform for people in need. Sadly, Kenshi's solitary nature meant he was never usually present at gatherings like this, and so the others didn't really think much of him.

Rain snorted. "Yeah, of course," he sneered sarcastically. "Like he's ever gotten to first base, the blind sap."

Much to the prince's surprise, Ermac didn't berate him for insulting his friend's lack of eyesight. Instead, the warrior stared at him in confusion and curiosity, one eyebrow raised behind his mask and a chicken strip halfway to his face. Rain knew almost at once he'd said something wrong.

"First… base?" Ermac inquired. "Rain, forgive us for asking, but we cannot understand what baseball has to do with romance."

A silence fell, a silence so awkward it would have won a gold trophy in the awkwardness competitions, if such a thing existed. Suddenly, the noise of traffic and people walking past seemed very much louder, as if eager to take up the space the conversation had left. There was a sudden shuffling noise, as Cyrax tried to sidle away from the scene and get away, unable to face what was about to happen. Sub-Zero was heard to hiss "Oh, dear," under his breath, and Kung Lao looked very nervous indeed.

"It… it's a term out of context, Ermac," said Rain, hurriedly. "Nothing really special to know about."

"But we want to know," Ermac insisted, and the red robe rustled as he leant forward in his seat. "Tell us more."

Rain looked as though he was going to throw up, his face pale and carrying an expression of shock. But, suddenly, at this moment, Kung Lao's head twitched round as he suddenly saw someone come down the street from the corner of his eye. All at once, he recognised who it was, and grinned as he put down his burger again and stood up.

"Jade!" he called out.

And, as the others turned around, Ermac's awkward question forgotten for the moment, the Edenian warrior Jade ran up, dressed in a green shirt and denim skirt instead of her usual battle robes. With a smile she threw herself into Kung's open arms, and the two embraced for a short while, looking the picture of happiness.

"And how's my little Flower?" Jade enquired playfully after the while had passed, looking up at Kung Lao.

Kung smiled back. "Couldn't be better," he responded.

Rain turned to Cyrax. "_Little Flower?!_," he enquired, skeptically. The cyborg merely shrugged.

"Hey," said Kung Lao, suddenly. "I was wondering if you could help us out."

"Really?" asked Jade, casting a glance at the others. Ermac was gazing up at her, his expression indecipherable. Rain was still in conversation with Cyrax, this time of the subject of plant-based nicknames. Sub-Zero was glancing back and forth between Jade and Kung with a mix of panic and fear – he knew what was going to happen.

"Yeah," Kung replied, with a grin. "Poor Ermac doesn't know what "first base" is."

Ermac blushed behind his mask, and lowered his head. He was expecting Jade to suddenly burst into laughter and ask awkward questions that he wouldn't be able to answer, and then he would be embarrassed beyond belief as all the others laughed at him.

What he did _not_ expect was for her to suddenly turn sympathetic.

"Aw, you poor thing," she crooned. The spirit warrior didn't know if she was putting it on or not, but the tone of voice made him even more uncomfortable. Rain and Cyrax had suddenly ended their conversation, and were now watching with great interest.

Sub-Zero really _did_ panic, then. "Look," he began, "It's nothing to bother about…" He stopped when he realised no-one was listening to him.

Jade suddenly developed a grin that Ermac didn't like at all. "We'll show you," she purred, turning to face Kung Lao again. "Won't we?"

The Shaolin Monk chuckled. "Of course."

Sub-Zero paled. "You're not going to-"

They did.

Ermac's green eyes widened in shock, and his jaw dropped behind his mask at the scene. Sub-Zero promptly fainted, falling out of his seat with a crash and a clatter of spilt milkshake. Rain, clearly disgusted by what he was seeing, stuck one finger under his veil and into his mouth, making falsetto gagging noises. Cyrax watched for a moment, then shrugged and removed his helmet in order to finish off the fries that the ninja prince had forgotten about.

When Jade and Kung Lao had finished, they turned back to Ermac, smiles wider than ever. It was some time before their red-robed ally could find his words.

"We were unaware such things existed!" he blurted out, at last. Jade laughed heartily at his expression, while Kung Lao gingerly stepped over to recover the unconscious Sub-Zero.

"Now you know, Ermac," said Cyrax, swallowing his fries. "But next time, ask Kenshi beforehand on such subjects, or we'll have something like this everyday."

"You'd enjoy that, though, wouldn't you?" teased Rain.

"Why, you little-" In a trice, Cyrax had rushed Rain, and the two now brawled fiercely upon the floor, kicking up dust as they went. Meanwhile, Kung Lao had succeeded in waking Sub-Zero from his coma, and the Lin Kuei Grandmaster was now looking at him the way a frightened child looks at a man in a fairground costume.

"Don't do that again, please," he whined. "It reminds me of the night when Sareena-"

"No-one wants to know," interrupted Kung Lao.

"Well, I have to go now," Jade announced. "Kitana and I have to find Liu Kang a birthday present for tomorrow, and the stores get so _crowded_."

"Tell him Happy Birthday from all of us," said Kung Lao, with a smile.

"Sure," said Jade, smiling back. Then, without warning, she turned round and threw her arms around Ermac, who had been trying to divide his attention between the brawl occurring on the floor and his coffee growing cold. Caught off guard by this sudden display of affection, the spirit ninja went completely rigid in her embrace, eyes wide in surprise, and he dropped his coffee on the floor, where it rolled away along the pavement quite unnoticed, spilling it's contents as it went.

Sub-Zero noticed this, and he started to look quite ill again. Both Cyrax and Rain noticed, too, and they stopped fighting and watched the scene with open mouths. Kung Lao sat back in his chair, oblivious to what was happening.

"Take care of yourself," Jade whispered in what approximated to Ermac's ear.

"We… will try," Ermac responded, but his voice seemed to stick in his throat.

It was a while before Jade let go of him, and without so much as looking back to say 'goodbye', she ran on, leaving four confused warriors and one hungry Shaolin Monk. Sub-Zero was staring at Ermac with a mix of shock and amusement on his face, while Rain and Cyrax were still open-mouthed.

"Dude," said Rain, at last. "What just _happened_?!"

"We do not know," was the awkward reply.

Kung Lao didn't notice, but calmly finished his burger. When he had done, he wiped the sauce off his front and looked about the others, as if nothing had happened at all.

"Now, where were we?" he enquired.

Something seemed to occur to Ermac, and the ghost ninja twisted in his seat as he brushed aside the memories of a minute ago and turned to face Kung Lao.

"Does Johnny Cage fancy someone?" he asked.

The warrior monk looked at him as though he'd suddenly grown a second mouth in his stomach. "Do you mean to say you haven't heard?" he replied.

"Heard what?" Ermac was confused – had some tiny detail been kept from him?

Rain started laughing again. "Dude, everyone knows who _Cage_ is dating," he chuckled.

"Except you," intoned Cyrax, and suddenly he seemed very eager to join in with the conversation. Ermac felt very nervous indeed.

"Countdown, lads?" Sub-Zero gleefully piped up.

Kung Lao grinned. "Countdown."

As one, the four raised their hands in the air and began chanting. "Three, two, one…"

Ermac covered his ears.

* * *

**So sue me. Real Life has just got me by the throat and is throwing me about. I'll have to leave off with the Fan Fiction until the Christmas Hols.**

**Rate and Review, but constructive criticism ONLY!**


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